Rainbow State of Memory
In some way, life is a perpetual state of remembering—what task there is to do, who to call, or if the lights were left on. There is an endless effort we put into remembering. Yet, the most precious of remembering is the sort that catches us off-guard. Moments like remembering a lost loved one through a rainbow.
November 30, 2017
1:10am
With a heavy sigh and a face filled with tears, I was in a state of nursing a broken heart when my phone started ringing. Who knew the 11th hour of the year was packing a final punch to my already bruised spirit.
Coffee in hand, I’m sitting in the emergency room of Cardinal Santos hospital. I’m beside my dad who is motionless while my mom is pacing up and down the corridor. I write these words on my phone to distract myself. Only the Lord knows what this long night has in store.
7:00 am
There was a soft shower as we scrambled back to Cardinal Santos that morning. Lacking sleep, I was teary-eyed from a sleepless and heartbreaking night. My vision was going blurry and chromatic. “I’m seeing rainbows everywhere,” I thought. We enter her room. My mom let out a silent cry. The coffee went bitter and cold. Holding her lifeless hand, we say our final goodbye.
Pinky Estrebillo holds a very special place in the hearts of those who knew her. She was the ever-reliable sounding board to my mom and her sisters. She was Mommy Number 2 for a cousin raised by a single mom. We called her by many names like Pinks, Tita P, Ninang P, and Abu. Beyond what we called her, we also remember her through the many things she found an affinity with—she loved butterflies, coffee, and rainbows.
Pinky was diagnosed with breast cancer in her 20s. For most of her life, this sickness never left her. Treatments were as routine as Sunday service. She never married or had kids. What was extraordinary about her was that amid such a life-sucking disease, she was the most alive person in any room. She battled that sickness for almost two decades! She was always fully present for anyone who had the pleasure of joining her for a coffee. She drank coffee about five times a day.
When I was in my adolescent years, it was very difficult for me to open up to anyone, even my family and closest friends. Pinky was the exception. I guess it was because I felt that she genuinely enjoyed my company and liked listening to whatever I wanted to share. It was a bonus that her long dance with death gave her such a wicked sense of humor. She brought with her a sense of comfort and celebration; like how an aromatic cup of coffee in the morning is both a comfort and a much-needed jolt of energy to get the day started.
December 25, 2016
Pinky arrives at our family Christmas dinner with a radiant smile. My cousins and I gather in a small, closed room away from our parents who were chatting Pinky up. We looked at each other and everyone had the same idea. Pinky loves rainbows so it was no coincidence that one of her favorite songs is also entitled Rainbow. We came out of the small room, with a phone playing the track, and our small army of eighteen nieces and nephews gathered around her and sang. Through her oxygen mask, she was still smiling and singing with us. At that moment, a sense of kinship and hope weaved through the air. We had this swelling realization in our hearts that no matter what was going on in each of our individual lives, life was beautiful and worth celebrating. That was her last Christmas with us.
December 26, 2018
Two years pass since Pinky took her place in the sky as our rainbow. My family and I find ourselves in Hawaii for the holidays.
My cousins and I decided to try a sunrise hike up Lanikai Pill Box. It was a rainy and dark trek. We slipped and tripped until we reached the top. It was still quite stormy and the sun was blocked by the clouds. We found ourselves singing and dancing on top of the Pill Box despite not witnessing the perfect sunrise we were expecting. On the trek down, we managed to find our way to the beach. We cleansed ourselves and our muddy trek wear in the ocean and traded it for our swimsuits. There, as the exhilaration of the morning settled in our bones, the most beautiful rainbow appeared.
It has become almost customary for all of us to burst out into Pinky’s favorite song when we are gathered together—a heart song for both good and bad times. This song reminds us all of her brilliant light, and to be the comfort and encouragement that she was to all of us, for each other. Much like a rainbow, she wasn’t with us for a long time. But much like a rainbow, she shone with such magnificence, especially throughout her gray skies.
Today, it’s no wonder I nurture a coffee habit—remembering her is always something comforting.
